You don’t need permission to rest

Many of us from immigrant households grew up hearing: “Why are you doing nothing? There’s always something else you can do. Rest is a luxury - you can only lie down once you deserve it.”

This message often comes from a place of survival. At one point, it made a lot of sense. For many migrant parents who have experienced trauma and adversity, this mindset is what helped them push through impossible situations.

Fast forward to the next generation, where there’s more relative stability and less need for that same survival mode. The question then becomes: where does that mindset go?

(Hint: it doesn’t disappear completely.)

As the April public holidays approach, I notice a familiar feeling: pushing through work, holding on until the long-awaited break. It reminds me of a time when I felt like I could only book a holiday after I had worked hard enough to deserve it. There was an internal voice that said: rest is only justified after you’ve suffered enough.

And “rest” wasn’t just about doing nothing. It also included doing things for fun. Growing up, I learned that enjoyment i.e., going out, relaxing, doing something simply because it brought joy, was a luxury. At the very least, all responsibilities and chores had to be completed first.

These messages shape what we prioritise.

For me, I noticed myself swinging between two extremes. On one end, I would push through and prioritise work above all else. On the other, I would overcorrect and prioritise rest in a way that lacked structure or accountability.

Looking back, I can see how this mirrored what I observed growing up. My mum was constantly doing everything: often at the expense of her own needs (this includes holding off going to the bathroom until after all the groceries were put away!!). My dad, on the other hand, prioritised rest and didn’t seem overly concerned with what needed to get done.

When we begin to question the “no rest” mindset, it’s not uncommon to swing in the opposite direction. I know I did. After suppressing my needs for so long, I moved towards self-indulgence; being overly permissive, letting things slide, and avoiding accountability.

But over time, I’ve come to understand that there’s a difference between self-care and self-indulgence. One nurtures you; the other numbs you. One is intentional; the other can become avoidant.

What I’m learning now is that rest isn’t separate from productivity, it’s part of it. If we want to function well and feel well, rest has to be built in. Not everything is meant to be in a constant state of output. Just like seasons, there are times for sowing the seeds, watering them (not seeing much visible change), and then growth and blooming,

These days, I’m practising something different. Instead of following the voice that says everything must get done, or abandoning structure altogether, I’m learning to trust my body and respond with more self-compassion.

I trust that I’ll prioritise what truly matters. I trust that I’ll get done what needs to be done. And I trust that rest is not something I have to earn - it’s something I can choose.

Maybe you’re holding on until the next public holiday.
Maybe you’ve swung too far in the other direction and are questioning your own accountability.
Or maybe you’re somewhere in between, recalibrating day by day.

Wherever you are, I hope this season brings you a sense of steadiness, and a way of relating to rest that feels supportive, rather than restrictive.

Rest is not a reward. It’s a right. And you don’t need permission to claim it.